Monday, December 19, 2011

Cowboy Advice



A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM MONTANA COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103. WHEN HE DIED HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.


Friday, November 18, 2011

Costello Buys A Computer


to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. 
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...




If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sk etch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I 'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELL O: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'…….


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Moneybag Years

DID YOU KNOW?
Chinese numerology and Feng Shui for 2011
§ This year we are going to experience four unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11, and that's not all;
§ Take the last two digits of the year you were born and the age you will be this year and the result will add up to 111 for everyone!!!!
§ This is the year of MONEY.
§ Also, this year, October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays & 5 Saturdays. This happens only once every 823 years. These particular years are known as Moneybag years.

22 Ways To Be A Good Democrat

Someone sent this to me back in 2008... some things just don't change...


22 Ways To Be A Good Democrat


1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.

 2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity.

 3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans
are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands
of Chinese and North Korean communists.

 4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

 5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by
soccer moms driving SUV's.

 6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being
homosexual is natural.

 7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of
federal funding.

 8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth
graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about
sex.

 9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but
'activists' who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

 10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than
actually doing something to earn it.

 11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own
money to make 'The Passion of the Christ' for financial gain only.

 12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain
parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports
certain parts of the Constitution.

 13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too
high.

 14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are
more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas
Edison, and A.G. Bell.

 15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides are not.

 16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very
nice person.

 17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in
charge.

 18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail,
but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

 19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and
manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

 20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the
Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United
States.

 21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right
wing conspiracy.

 22. You have to believe that it's okay to give federal workers the day
off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say 'Merry Christmas'.


Monday, October 10, 2011

Police Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Friday, June 10, 2011

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land!  No questions asked or answers given!  Have I made myself clear...do you understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.





With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.  The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!"



Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Osama's Final Facebook Entry

(Click for clearer picture)

Last Weekend Was Brought To You By Disney

Yes, the common girl got to marry the Crown Prince - and the evil villain was slain!

 Now we just need the video of the allegedly planned Flash Mob at Ground Zero!  ;-)

Here's one that's not quite a Flash Mob, but spontaneous singing the night Osama died...



(taken from my kid's FB postings)

Oh, and Happy Star Wars Day!   May the 4th be with you!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How Long Must We Wait?

OK, on President Obama's order we finally got Bin Ladin - but considering he received intel on Osama's latest hideout LAST AUGUST - and waited EIGHT MONTHS to do something - it's a wonder Osama was still there!  Now I understand the need to gather important logistics and more intel before "going in" - but with as mobile and ellusive as Osama has been - the longer we waited the more chance we had of losing him again.  Yes, we didn't lose him this time around - at least that's the report - but is anyone else seeing a pattern here?  Why did we take so long to move in Lybia?  When the rebels had Khadafi on the ropes, THEN would have been a good time to step in and support them - rather we WAITED until Khadafi could regroup and put the rebels back on the run again.  BP Oil Spill?  How many WEEKS went by before anything was done?  Why all the red-tape when several other nations were there with equipment to help - and were forbidden from doing so? 

Anyway, kudos for getting the job done this time, Mr. President.

I never wished a man dead...

"I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.



- Mark Twain

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Is President Obama's Birth Certificate a Fake?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNJfdKClbH4

This person does an excellent job of showing how the birth certificate presented by http://www.whitehouse.gov/ has been editted.  Take a look and decide for yourself.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

And God created...

God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.  "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.  Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Arizona, the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, deserts and plains.  The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?  You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington, D.C.  Wait till you see the idiots I put there.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Beer and Taxes

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100...

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?


They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Arizona Tragedy

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords
I'm sure many of you have heard the news of Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords being shot in the head today.  As of this evening she's clinging to life, but the doctors are optimistic for her recovery, perhaps even a full recovery.  Let us remember her in our prayers.

The Honorable Judge John Roll, a friend of Giffords, had just left morning Mass and heard Representative Giffords was doing a "Congress on the Corner" (a town hall-like meeting, she was fond of doing), so he decided to stop by and say hello.  Judge Roll ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A 22 year old gunman opened fire on the small crowd.  It is estimated there were 24 to 36 people there - and 19 of them were shot!  Judge Roll, may he rest in peace, is among 6 who died today, another was a 9 year old girl - and we don't know anything more, yet, of the other 4 who were gunned down.  

For those who lost their lives today we pray, eternal rest grant unto them, o Lord; may your Perpetual Light shine upon them; may they rest in peace.  Amen.

John McCarthy Roll (February 8, 1947 – January 8, 2011)